Okay, so most of you are probably sat around during these crazy times of lock down, self isolation, social distancing, whatever it is your doing as long as it’s not with other people right?
If your anything like me you have scrolled through your Facebook feed 17 times in the last hour, bored with the ever revolving same 20 posts that keep cropping up. Same crappy adverts based on your Google searches etc. etc etc.
Your checking the news every once in a while….. Trust me there is nothing changing in the news…it is ALL about the virus. It is wall to wall, 24/7, non-stop virus coverage.
No sport, no new technology coming out. Those fires in Australia…Greta Thunberg…..Amazonian fires……even Brexit…..they don’t exist anymore….the world has ground to a big virusy, covidy halt.
You’ve maybe had a few Zoom conversations but now your unsure if you should delete the app as it’s a security risk…isn’t it? Is it not?….maybe….who knows, social media and fake news is in it’s element right now. Nobody knows what to believe anymore.
Well here are a couple of tales that you can believe in.
For those of you that are bored. Here are a couple of our favourite tales from the travel vault.
If your a long term follower you will most likely already be familiar with Ninja Slut story, that’s already been told but maybe not in as much detail.
Soiling myself in Malaysia is a story that hasn’t been told in the blog before. That one has only been told by word of mouth so far…..Well I do keep the occasional story in my back pocket in case of emergency!
These two tales are most definitely all up there in the idiots abroad section.
If we get enough readers I’ll type up another couple of tales in a few days time to keep you entertained.
Enjoy!
Soiling myself in Malaysia!
We had arrived in George Town, Penang.
Luckily enough we had kindly been given somewhere complimentary and very nice to stay at. It was a beautiful Heritage building in the old part of town.
A lovingly restored old house. All very stylish and classy.
It was our very first night staying there and we had never been to Penang before.
Having spent most of the day traveling, feeling weary and drained we really fancied a drink to help us relax for the rest of the night. This happens a lot when traveling. Sweating your portions off on local transport for many hours……need a drink when you finally make it to your destination.
It was late when we arrived and I had no idea where to head to in search of said alcohol.
I also remember it was a time I was taking Naproxen to help with my arthritis. A drug that is renowned for playing havoc with your bowels and making you constipated.
I hadn’t been for a number 2 for about 3 or 4 days, and to be fair I hadn’t had any urge to go either. Not a single twinge that Mr Stinky wanted to make an appearance. So off I headed in the middle of the night, in a new town in search of booze.
Not knowing anywhere, I walked and walked for about an hour. Checking every shop that was still open, hoping to find one selling at least beer but preferably a bottle of spirit.
I was just starting to give up and was going to head back anyway when suddenly the stomach cramps started. That pain you get up your rear entrance when you realise that you need the toilet……and you need it right now…this very moment, no messing, I needed to unload.
That was it, time to go back….now!
I have a decent sense of direction and started to make my way back as quickly as I could. Almost like a fast walker.
I couldn’t risk a run that would leave me ‘open’ to all sorts of disaster. So I opted for an extremely fast, cheeks clenched walk.
I must have been clocking world record pace for fast walking when I decided to duck down one final back lane that would bring me out right next to our digs. So far, so good.
I didn’t make it more than 5 yards down this dark dingy lane when a local Malaysian policeman appeared out of the shadows.
“Where have you been?” he asked with an assertive tone. “Just to the shops” I stuttered.
“Where are you headed now?”……”Back….to my room” I replied, at this point starting to sound a little squeaky and flaky under the pressure of the imminent destruction.
“Where is it your staying”……..grief, stop, just please stop asking me questions, I can’t deal with this right now.
“It’s just around this corner” I said……as I felt a small nugget slip out and start to slowly slide it’s way down the inside of my leg.
Oh no, I had started to go.
There I was stood in front of a copper in the back lane of a strange town. This was most definitely not a good situation to be in. Soiling myself in front of a member of the local constabulary and just 20 yards from the beautiful facilities available.
I can’t remember exactly what I said but I know I wasn’t in the mood for continuing the conversation.
I made some comment along the lines of “Is there anything else? or am I OK to go?”
Somewhat slightly confused he eventually waved me on my way.
My fast walk was now a frantic, clenching dash to the door of our digs.
I banged repeatedly on the door for Dani to open up. My small nugget of doom now all the way down to my foot.
“Are you OK” she shouted without opening the door.
“Yes, just f**king open the door…now!” I screamed. The build up in my rear end was unbelievable.
Dani was hesitant. For f*cks sake open this door now. I just kept banging on the door, I don’t think I ever stopped banging it until it was open.
Speaking afterwards she told me she was worried it was a dog or something and wasn’t keen on opening it. A dog? This was far worse than any canine intrusion.
With the door open I flew inside, barreling past her. Through the living room area and straight past the kitchen to the back of the property where the toilet was.
As I hit the rear area it all started to come flying out. The pressure just too much to hold any longer.
I laugh when I think back to this now but at the time I remember screaming at her “Don’t come in…whatever you do, don’t come in!”
By the time I reached the toilet I had wreaked utter carnage all over the kitchen area and back room.
As I settled myself on the toilet most of it had already passed anyway. I sat there looking out at the devastation I had caused.
A thousand questions entering my thoughts. How is it even possible for a human to get shit that high up on a wall? I have projectile vomited before but never had a projectile poo!
It was everywhere, literally everywhere. Some of it was maybe 3 ft up on the walls. This wasn’t good the walls were painted pristine white.
The floor was covered, everywhere. To this day I fail to understand how one human being could have this much shit inside them but there it was laid out in front of me as I sat on the pan looking out, intimidated by where to even start with the clean up operation.
I spent at least the next hour trying to clean everything up and hose it down. Dani constantly shouting from the other room to ask if I was alright. “I’m fine…..but whatever you do….don’t come in…DO NOT COME IN!”
Ninja Slut in Kuta
About 6 years ago we were in Bali.
We had been there a month, just cruising round the island on a motorbike. Enjoying the small villages and places away from the tourist hot spots.
Whenever we are in Bali we always avoid Kuta like the plague. It’s the Aussie equivalent of Ibiza. Non stop 24/7 parties. More mullets than an 80’s film, drunk girls hanging out of limo’s throwing up. You get the picture. It’s not really our scene.
On this particular visit our flight out of Bali was fairly early in the day so we decided it made sense to stay just one night in Kuta with it being just 10 minutes from the airport. This way we wouldn’t be rushed when it came to flying out the next day.
We booked somewhere cheap and set away from the main strip hoping that we would have a relatively easy night.
Oh how wrong we were!
This is something we strangely seem to do a lot. Whenever we are moving on from one country to another, and we should be keeping ourselves relatively decent, we seem to do the complete opposite and go our ends. I don’t know why but it happens a lot. This time in Bali was no different.
With our bags dropped off we headed out to grab a bite to eat and a few beers.
It all started off very pleasantly.
We found a nice quiet place to grab some good seafood and got talking to the owner of the restaurant. I had spotted a house next door with several old Volkswagen’s parked out front.
It was the owner named Billy’s house and his car collection.
He was really cool and invited us in to his house to see his other cars and chill out for a bit. Just one of those random things that happens when your away. His house was amazing inside, like something our of a design show or an architectural magazine. Simply stunning.
It was a nice start to the night and we bid our farewells to Billy and headed off a bit closer to the main strip in search of a quiet bar.
We found a nice quiet place and chilled out with a few beers.
After a few drinks we headed down the main strip in search of somewhere cheap.
We found a great place to park up and grab a drink. It was just a small off-license with a few seats and one table out the front. This was ideal. We could sit there with our cheap booze and watch all the crazy idiots parading down the main strip.
After being there a while we obviously got chatting with the lad whose shop it was. He was a decent enough bloke. Pretty chilled and after chatting for a while he asked of we wanted to try some Arak. Arak being the local moonshine.
Now we have had Arak in Bali before and you have to be careful. Several people lose their lives every year due to dodgy batches of the stuff. It’s stupidly cheap but you need to to take care and make sure it is decent stuff.
For us the best way to check that it is fine is to watch whoever is selling it drink some first. If they know they are selling bad booze they wont try a single drop.
This lad disappeared to see one of his friends and shortly returned with a litre of the stuff in an old water bottle.
He was adamant it was fine and took a good swig himself. This was from his regular supplier, so all good in our eyes.
As we worked our way through the Arak washed down with several beer chasers, things started to get a bit “Fear and Loathing” on us. Time started to warp and become irrelevant. I vaguely remember we finished the Arak and the lad went to get another bottle.
I also remember another group of about 3 local lads arriving and sitting out the front drinking next to us. I don’t remember the hours slipping by though. I just remember looking out at the street and thinking where has everyone gone?
The main strip was deserted. No drunken Aussies, no taxis, just an empty street with everywhere closed.
Grief when did that happen? What time is it? I think it was about 6:45 am. We really needed to head back and catch a couple of hours sleep before heading off to the airport for our flight to Singapore.
We said our goodbyes and started stumbling up the street towards our digs.
I remember the other group of lads walking up with us as well. Chatting with myself and Dani. At some point this must have hung back a little as I remember turning round and seeing them with Dani about 5 yards behind us.
Then all of a sudden there was a screech of tyres and a scooter pulled up at the curb next to me.
A girl hopped off quickly and came up right in front of my face. She was wearing what appeared to be full, all black army gear, boots, face mask the lot. She looked like a god damn ninja. I only realised it was a girl when she spoke to me.
She quickly cupped my gentleman portions giving them a gentle a squeeze. “You want Jiggy-Jig mister?” she said in a cheeky tone. “Erm no….no I’m fine thanks” I uncomfortably replied. “Oh….okay……byeeee”
She left as quickly as she arrived. Hopping on to her scooter in some sort of stealthy ninja way and she sped off into the darkness and out of sight.
What the hell was that all about? Boy that mushroom shake must have been strong…or maybe the Arak…or all the beers. All of it, it was definitely all of it.
I turned back to Dani, a little bewildered. She was just a few yards behind me, non of the guys were with us anymore. That’s a bit weird I thought. Oh well, time to head back. The sun was rising and we only had about 4 or 5 hours before we needed to be at the airport.
The next thing I know I’m waking up. Staring at the ceiling, looking round the room, trying to get some sense of bearing.
Eh? Huh? this is all weird.
Eventually my senses returned and I realised I was laying on the bed, fully clothed the wrong way round. Dani’s feet next to my head. I then had that sudden snap of reality that you get. “Shit, what’s the time?”
I checked my pockets and scrambled about the bed looking for my phone. But there was no phone. Ninja slut and her male accomplices obviously had my phone.
The lads had obviously clocked which pocket I had put my phone in. Rang the female ninja member of their criminal squad and she had deftly helped herself to my phone with one hand while massaging my meat and veg with her other.
Ah FFS! Well you live and learn eh?
I spent the next hour blocking my phone and calling my insurance company using Skype on my laptop while hastily chomping down on an overpriced full English with a gallon of strong coffee.
One night in kuta eh? Just one night……